theres gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high
i think ive probly used this title before but its actually appropriate this time. this week has been pretty weird for me. i cried for the first time in as long as i can remember. not cos something died or cos some girl hurt me or cos i felt physical pain, but cos i felt mediocre.

i think Avenue Q quite accurately sums up my thoughts:

"I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"

i dont want to go back to college btw.. but i just i think im aiming way too low. i mean out of HS i was all labelled with "potential" and my uni marks screamed "future somebody" .. yet all ive achieved is a dead end government job where i work for the man and am headed towards a picket fence house paid off with a 30 year mortgage. maybe i could even have 2.4 kids. those are all nice things.. but ive always thought i could have a more exciting life than that. so far all ive done is save a deposit for a house that i may or may not ever buy. but i can sit in there alone and tell the story of how i sat in a cubicle for 30 years and didnt do any work.

and i dont mean i could make more money.. or i could be some big shot in some investment bank. i could probably do those things if i tried. but i mean jsut do something worthwhile.. or noteworthy. when ppl ask me "whats new" i want the answer to not be "the same as last decade".

these are of course quite solvable problems except for a few issues. the first is that my brain is dead, it was once creative but now it can only think of ways to improve web infrastucture.

the next is that im a wuss. i dont hate my life.. im just bored of it. i cant quite see if the grass is greener on the other side. ppl tell me is nice over there, but who can trust ppl anyway? am i gonna jump over this fence to maybe see some maybe sorta slightly greener grass? this side isnt so bad... its comfy and i can see as far 30 years in front of me looks pretty clear sailing.

lastly the excitement is gone. by that i mean im not excited by things anymore.. like anything. i find everything tedious now, even things i like. i dont even know what i want.. and thats why its so hard to get. im looking for something, but i dont know what it looks like.

... gah.. how deep. i should write an emo poem to make shakespeare turn in his grave.

The fog of today blurs my vision.
its not dark.. but i can hardly see
whats over there?
something i want
or something i want to avoid?
should i leap into the fog?
is that a rock over there?
my feet are sinking
but so slowly that it doesnt really bother me.

ill call it "Evaporating Life" by em0b0y1980

Labels: angst