i love tacos ive been in emo overdrive lately. gasp.

for many reasons.. partially cos i have about a month to decide whether im going to recontract. i.e. stay in japan for another year and maybe learn some Japanese, or go home and once again become a cubicle drone who has a healthy bank balance in a time of economic instability. I still have no idea what to do, if i stay, then what am i gonna do after that? my Japanese wont be good enough to get a Japanese job.. so i'll be unemployed and probably broke and with no immediate prospects. but if i go home, ill go back to my same job and work 9 to 5 and my brain will die of monotony. and 35 years later ill retire, and no one will remember. the only thing i know for sure is that ill regret not doing one of the options.. *insert extra pessimisim*

then of course theres the ever recurring female problem. *sigh* whilst in Kyoto there was this place where you were sposed to walk from one big rock to another with your eyes closed, and if you make it, then you will find your true love (or something like that) and a friend joked that i should try it cos i have less time than the others. and its kinda true i guess. My biological clock is ticking.. blergh.

also there was this girl that i was kinda seeing.. im not really sure what happened really. we kinda talked a bit.. but then there was alcohol and some stuff happened. then it seemed to keep happening at subsequent events. but we never really got to see each other very often, and therefore didnt really get much chatting time other than drunk-texting each other. she said she wants to finish whatever was happening which kinda sucks.. but then she still often texts me to say various things of ambiguous meanings which just confoose me.

I'm not really she was ever really keen. the first time we hooked up we were both pretty drunk. and she pretty much ignores me when we are in large gatherings, maybe cos she is shy, or maybe she didnt want ppl to talk, or maybe she was embarassed, who knows. also she was always very indirect with how she says things. like she'd say "karaoke misses you" or "i was just thinking about what you're doing" but she'd never say "i miss you". she sometimes would say things like "i really like you" or "i think we get along really well", but those are things that you could say to someone who you just wanted to be friends with. even when she said it was over, she wouldnt say "im not keen anymore" she'd just say "it doesnt matter if im keen or not, im just confused" which i assume means something like "it's not you, its me". cept we all know that its almost me... *emos*,

it totally feels like another one of those situations where a girl is mildly keen cos she thinks im cute.. and ive been known to fall into the trap of liking a girl just because she seems slightly keen on me. which should be a good thing.. but it seems to be pretty disasterous for me so far.. because within a couple of weeks she realises that im totally boring and so she gets on with her life. and girls who would make the first move tend me to confident and pro-active. pro-active enough to move on to the next (more handsome|richer|smarter|younger|more interesting) guy. and so she'll say "its not u, its me", because you cant tell someone they are boring, thats more insulting than saying ur unattractive. you can pretty urself up.. but you cant interesting yourself up.

also i kinda get the vibe that she thinks that i was only interested in the physical aspects of our relationship.. since that was the only part which seemed to progress quickly. she is very attractive, like enough so people would be like "uh, how did he get a girl like that", if we were together. but thats not how it is.. if anything im suffering from lack of libido lately.. maybe cos i havent had a serious relationship in so long.. i jsut feel like i need someone to hold.. or someone to hold me.

i should probably just get over it. she is awesome and everyone likes her, and i did feel like we there was something intangible there, but she doesnt really fit my usually prototype. i.e. she is isnt asian and doesnt have glasses =p also we havent really had a lot of getting to know you time and we dont have heaps in common other than living in Japan... so i should just get over it. she's gone home for the holidays, i shouldnt really miss her. she certainly doesnt miss me. but i do miss her =( blergh, i need to build a bridge.

the other foreigners in my area are really nice people. they were quite concerned that my karaoke song selections have all been pretty emo songs about heartbreak and loneliness like James Blunt. but almost all of them are going home for the holidays, also im not really sure how many of them will recontract.. so its gonna be a lonely boring new year break this year. i do sometimes feel isolated and alone here.. partially cos of the language barrier.. but then i remember i felt that way in Sydney where i could speak the language and i knew lots of ppl..
xmas is not a public holiday in Japan, so ill have to go to work, then go home and reheat a supermarket dinner then watch "It's a Wonderful Life" then cry myself to sleep. *weeps*.

Labels: emo, females