theres gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary highi think ive probly used this title before but its actually appropriate this time. this week has been pretty weird for me. i cried for the first time in as long as i can remember. not cos something died or cos some girl hurt me or cos i felt physical pain, but cos i felt mediocre.
i think Avenue Q quite accurately sums up my thoughts:
"I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"
i dont want to go back to college btw.. but i just i think im aiming way too low. i mean out of HS i was all labelled with "potential" and my uni marks screamed "future somebody" .. yet all ive achieved is a dead end government job where i work for the man and am headed towards a picket fence house paid off with a 30 year mortgage. maybe i could even have 2.4 kids. those are all nice things.. but ive always thought i could have a more exciting life than that. so far all ive done is save a deposit for a house that i may or may not ever buy. but i can sit in there alone and tell the story of how i sat in a cubicle for 30 years and didnt do any work.
and i dont mean i could make more money.. or i could be some big shot in some investment bank. i could probably do those things if i tried. but i mean jsut do something worthwhile.. or noteworthy. when ppl ask me "whats new" i want the answer to not be "the same as last decade".
these are of course quite solvable problems except for a few issues. the first is that my brain is dead, it was once creative but now it can only think of ways to improve web infrastucture.
the next is that im a wuss. i dont hate my life.. im just bored of it. i cant quite see if the grass is greener on the other side. ppl tell me is nice over there, but who can trust ppl anyway? am i gonna jump over this fence to maybe see some maybe sorta slightly greener grass? this side isnt so bad... its comfy and i can see as far 30 years in front of me looks pretty clear sailing.
lastly the excitement is gone. by that i mean im not excited by things anymore.. like anything. i find everything tedious now, even things i like. i dont even know what i want.. and thats why its so hard to get. im looking for something, but i dont know what it looks like.
... gah.. how deep. i should write an emo poem to make shakespeare turn in his grave.
The fog of today blurs my vision.
its not dark.. but i can hardly see
whats over there?
something i want
or something i want to avoid?
should i leap into the fog?
is that a rock over there?
my feet are sinking
but so slowly that it doesnt really bother me.
ill call it "Evaporating Life" by em0b0y1980
Labels: angst
everything i own in a box to the left.this is a very late and thus will probably be the usual, long but half-assed post =p
so the big news is that my dad is retiring! he isnt 58 till nov, but because of annual leave and long service leave he can actually stop working somewhere about july and still get full benefits of being 60. i wont go into the intricate details cos its boring. but he is on the old system of superannuation which basically means he gets paid a % of his salary every year instead of what he's "saved" into super. his net salary each year will be more than me even when he is retired =p
this all wouldnt be much of a big deal really, since he is gov and doesnt work much anyway =p but it does mean my parents are selling the house. they plan to move into a small apartment in the city. i dunno why, but thats the plan. so im out on the street. but maybe onto the streets or japan or something. for a while ive been saying that if i moved out, i would move overseas. so heres my chance. am i gonna do something? or just wuss out like usual?
i also saw two movies, the first was Spiderman3 at iMax. it was ok depsite being predictable and a bit of a cheese-fest. i mean it was so clichéd that i was waiting for someone do yell "c'mon you can do it peter. you just have to believe in yourself". but then again i didnt really expect much from this other than sandman fighting spidey. in fact if the movie was just half an hour of that fight i probly wouldve enjoyed it a bit more =p ive also come tot he conclusion that iMax is just too big to watch movies on. we were in the last row and i still felt like i needed to take a few steps backwards to see everything without turning my head and going "what happend in that far corner of the screen which i wasnt looking at?"
i also went to see Tales From Earthsea, which is the new Ghibli movie. it was pretty much what i expected. it was better than Howls Moving Castle, but not by much. the story didnt make any sense, it was like all over the place. there were like some good concepts but they just didnt put it together than well. It wasnt all that bad.. but its certainly no Spirited Away.
.. later that day i went to Rosies bday thing at Putt Putt. we played 2 rounds of Extreme Putt Putt, which was basically starting from crazy spots instead of the regular tee. this was often off the plants and furniture or involved bouncing off object which were on another course =p i think we gave up scoring half way, but im pretty sure i was winning.
i havent had much frisbee lately except for training. but i did pick up a game in div4 and played shoeless =p i wasnt intending to play so i didnt have gear, i only picked up to make up numbers. No shoes frisbee isnt too bad, as long as you dont need to change directions. i did score on my first point on the field though =p
work has been deadly. well relatively...
it went down something like this:
[6 weeks ago]
boss: hey can u help these guys out? theyre project is behind
ian: ok, ive probly got a bit of spare time between my other projects.
project manager: we are 9 months into a 12 mth project and we've accomplished about 10% of the work.
ian: *roll eyes*
[3 weeks ago]
boss: worker1 and worker2 have been reassigned, so its just you and the PM now to do 10 months of 4 ppls work in 2 months.
ian: *roll eyes* oh well. at least im not in charge of this train wreck.
[last week]
boss: the PM has quit. so now you're in charge of this totally doomed project.
ian: *roll eyes*
in other news: lately ive had this bizarre fixation with the song Maria by Blondie. i think if my life were made into a bad 80s coming of age movie, then this would be the song in the credits. possibly with me (played by Kevin Bacon) walking home some quiet suburban street under a clear night sky.
Labels: movies, rba
Underwear Goes Inside the Pantsso i totally havent posted in ages.. fear not though.. nothing has happened in that time.. except for a ridiculous amount of frisbee and a very very badly corked thigh.
the most exciting thing to happen in that past week and a bit was episode 20 of heroes which rocked my world. but its incredibly depressing to think a tv show was the best part of any week in my life.
with this CRM contact, lately ive been coding java web apps pretty much round the clock. im starting to think id much rather do java part time.. and do something else for my real job. i think i enjoy it more when im not doing it 9-5. i jsut dont know what other job id want to do.. the only other thing i find remoting interesting is construction.. but theres no way in hell im going back to uni to study 4 years of engineering! not to mention a thesis! gah!
in other news.. when did everyone get into
Facebook? it seems to have appeared from no where. if u havent seen it, its like myspace but without the ugly, and without everyone listing their favourite bands as their "friends". i find it mildly entertaining for now.. its at least as interesting as any other web community which i temporarily joined =p
Labels: facebook, java
